oh amazon, you're such a tease . . .

dear amazon.com,

i've widely regarded you as my pre-in-store shopping go-to for many years, and now you slap me in the face with disappointment.

i cannot believe you placed My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands on your Breakout Books for the Summer of 2005 list.

shame on you.

make no mistake, i have no moral qualms regarding the topic of the "novel," or, shall we call it a "collection"? i have certainly been known to knock down marginally trashy chic lit novels until i'm blue in the face. this english major needs a break from salinger and fitzgerald from time to time, too. (and, i'm sure, some might argue that those authors have their trashy moments as well. hell, salinger is "verboten" in many school districts (but we'll get to censorship and book banning another day)).

while Ms. Handler was able to evoke a few chuckles from my general direction, these aforementioned chuckles were typically directed at her lack of style and command of the english language. please, Bloomsbury Publishers, what were you thinking? i could write a more creative sentence at the age of 15. okay, maybe 16. yes, these trysts are funny. but can you imagine how many more books you would have sold if these funny stories were told well?

my point is now, and always has been, this: quality. it doesn't matter how good your story is, or how interesting the idea is if you can't tell it well. i, like most readers, found the notion of a collection of one-night stands to be entertaining. in this day and age, who wouldn't? but Ms. Handler fails miserably in her re-telling of these sexual encounters; a poor attempt at super-imposing the brilliance of Candace Bushnell on her own life.

i beg all of you to take into consideration the difference between "entertaining" and "good writing." for example, i will call on The DaVinci Code since most of the western world has read it, as long as they haven't been hiding in a literary dark cave for the past two years. the story, yes, is incredibly entertaining. reading level: probably about 5th grade. writing: poor. Handler falls into the same bunch. no, i'm not asking for Joyce or Shakespeare quality, but come on people. . . where are your standards?

of even greater disappointment is Jennifer Weiner's comment on the book's cover. come on Jennifer, you're a decent author, why are you endorsing this crap? no surprise that Jay Leno likes it, though.

and the ending? oh the ending. almost as bad as ending a story with:
". . . and i woke up and it was all a dream." i think that's how i ended a project i was working on in 6th grade.

Ms. Handler, i can only hope you are a better stand-up comedian than a writer. either way, i won't be rushing to read your second book (if Bloomsbury decides to disgrace the literary scene with another), nor will i patronize a show with your name on the marquee.

*sigh*

nick hornby, i'm on to you next. but, at least i'm going into it with the knowledge that the man can craft a thoughtful sentence.

as for you, amazon.com. . . i just. . . i'm so disappointed.

xo,

kellieannie